L

wildhope @ 2009-10-10T16:57:00

2009-10-10T20:57:54Z

Dear body,

Stop hating me. I don't have the money to treat you better, but if you'd like me to, you have to cooperate with me first!

Sincerely,
Me

----------------

Anyway, I'm not feeling so good right now. No, I'm not sick, it's just I have to push myself to even get out of bed. I've been feeling really tired and sort of down the past few days. I don't like it. I'm sick of this.

So, yes. Fighting against myself, it seems. I've at least managed going out in public this month so that's good. Going to try again sometime this week. I want to go bit by bit until I get comfortable with it, then maybe take the next step and start attending church again. I'd like to be going at least one Sunday or Wednesday a month by December.

Leave encouragement. God knows I need it.

wildhope @ 2009-09-16T06:56:00

2009-09-16T10:56:03Z

I've been having trouble writing lately, so out of the blue I decided that maybe instead of fiction, I should go back to poetry. It is, after all, how I started writing. Then I decided to look back over some of my old stuff, and wow. I wrote my last poem a week short of three years ago. That's amazing, and a little sad to me. It's something I should start doing again.

I did find one piece that stood out to me, written November 10, 2004. It both lifts me up and breaks me in two.

Dusk to Dawn

My dearest love,
I think of you this glorious night.
The stars sparkle like your eyes.
Moonlight illuminates my path,
as does your radiant face.
My heart rises with the sun,
it's warmth like your gentle embrace,
to shine on us today
and forever.

If you think that's about some random guy I had a crush on back then, it's not. I wrote that about my God, and I'd give anything to be in that mindset again.

wildhope @ 2009-09-05T12:07:00

2009-09-05T16:06:55Z

Cinderella:
One of your parents is dead
You are expected to do a lot of chores
You love to dress up
You love animals
You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming
Your mom is really strict
You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you
You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes
You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before
You have blonde hair
TOTAL: 5

Belle:
You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like
You’ve been lost in the forest
You love to read
You are not shy at all, and not afraid to speak your mind
One of your family members is a bit weird
You have done volunteer work
You have a wild imagination
You love to take care of people in need
You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out
TOTAL: 7

Jasmine:
You are very clever
You’ve been with someone way different from you
You’re unique and different from everyone else
You’d never marry someone just because they were rich
You have set a lot of goals for yourself
You don’t have a lot of friends
You’re independent
You are wealthy
Your parents try to control your life
TOTAL:6

Ariel:

Your parents expect a lot from you
You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you
You’re a bit of a trouble maker
You’re the youngest in your family or in the last 2
You have a lot of sisters (3 or more)
You collect something
You have/had long hair
You have/had a pet fish
You’re extremely curious
You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible
TOTAL: 4

Snow White:
You know that you’re beautiful
Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you
You’ve almost been killed
You have at least seven good friends
You’ve had food poisoning
You have/had short hair
You get along with almost everyone
All of your friends are different
You love to have a good time
You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in
TOTAL: 5

Mulan:
You can be a tomboy sometimes
People wish you could be a bit more girly
You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not
You’ve had a physical fight with someone
You have/had considered running away from home
Your parents try to plan your life out
A lot of your friends are boys
You sometimes find yourself in bad situations
You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them
TOTAL: 9

Aurora:
You live/have lived with someone other than your parents
You almost died at a very young age
You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful
You have a decent singing voice
You like to sleep in late on the weekends
You spend most of your time outside
You’re adopted
Pink is one of your favorite colors
TOTAL: 4

Pocahontas:
You love to walk around big cities
You are more spiritual than religious
You’ve been in an interracial relationship
One of your family members is dead
Your parents are very protective of you
Someone you know has been in war
You love nature
You have/had black hair
You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful
You’re very adventurous
TOTAL: 9

Princess I am the most like: Mulan and Pocahontas
Princess I am the least like: Ariel and Aurora

wildhope @ 2009-09-04T12:46:00

2009-09-04T16:46:31Z

Updating, because I should start doing more of that. Consider it a baby step to getting on with my life.

It's hard to read Scripture. It's hard to pray. But right now, that's where I'm pushing the hardest. I'll be honest, it's not ever day, and it's not very much when it's there, but it's something. I'm sure it'll start getting easier. It will, won't it?

I want to get out of this hole. I want to live a normal life like everyone else. First things first, though. I know the time I was the happiest was when I was deeply in love, not with a lifestyle or another human being but with my God. If I had my health, physically, emotionally and mentally, if I had a job I loved, if I had money to buy the things I wanted to buy and all the friends anyone could want, and I didn't have Him? It would all be so empty. In Him I live and move and have my being. This is what I've lost sight of and so lost myself.

I know what I have to do.

wildhope @ 2009-08-28T23:39:00

2009-08-29T03:39:24Z

I live. Sort of.

wildhope @ 2009-02-27T23:02:00

2009-02-28T04:06:54Z

RP kills me.

I have too many versions of Lana Lang in my head and nowhere to play them. Everyone wants the canon ones. I say the AUs are where the fun is.

And I don't want a really dark game, but it seems like those are a dime a dozen. Dark would really drag me down right now.

I guess I just need something different. The problem is I don't know what kind of different.

wildhope @ 2008-11-29T16:39:00

2008-11-29T21:57:22Z

I fixed my journal up with a nice banner! Not to mention I finally figured out how to remove that white border that was around everything. It's all nice now!

Oh, and I created this crazy thing called maniacallaugher. Think roleplaying with no rules...only it's not open to everyone. I'd kinda like to only have players I've done stuff with before. Kind of a comfortable place where we can all go insane and have no rules or restrictions.

I never realized I have so many Lana Lang muses in my head.

wildhope @ 2008-11-20T03:37:00

2008-11-20T08:37:06Z

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me
My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me
My dreams are me

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me
My dreams are me

Surrender

"Aw, man..."

2008-09-23T11:02:34Z

I feel like I'm dying. It's just a cough and I'm exaggerating, but I'd really like to stop now. Thing is, I know it's just that my body's trying to get the freakin' mucus out of my lungs, but it's getting stuck somewhere and I can't spit it out or blow it out my nose. Yeah, I know, gross, so did not need to know that. Yeah, well, you do.

In other news, I went to church last week. Not this week because I'm so much more sick now and kind of overslept, but last Sunday night was one of the best nights I've had in a while. It started with me crying on the floor and ended with me walking out the door with my head held high and a smile on my face. That's a long story for tomorrow when I'm not extremely tired but still up because my cough is keeping me awake.

This coming Sunday, I will be going to church no matter how my health is, though I hope it's better by then. I don't want to cough all over everybody.

Oh, and I got this cute little nightgown with Tinkerbell on it. I feel all girly and ridiculous, but I love this thing.

wildhope @ 2008-09-11T21:12:00

2008-09-12T01:13:02Z

I was nudged (on LJ, though I am also updating my IJ at the same time; yay technology), so I'm updating.

There really isn't much to say. This past year has been really hard for me. I've barely left the house. I guess my parents splitting up has been harder on me than I thought. At first I was glad my mom moved out, but now...I realize I've almost locked myself in the house since she left. I don't know what's up with that. I try to go out sometimes...but then I don't. Just for groceries.

Thank you to those of you who've been praying for me. I know there's at least one. How you knew what to pray for I can only explain by supernatural means.

Mainly I've been roleplaying. I learn a lot from my characters, especially Kira Ford, but I can't seem to apply any of it. I can only ask for more prayer.

I'm lost. I want to be found again.

Edit: Oh, and I'm voting for Tommy Oliver this year. Yes you read that right.

Obligatory new friend post

2008-08-16T22:11:44Z

Hello. Yes, I live...sort of. I am here to welcome one new friend, almostcrimes, to my very dead IJ.

Oh yeah, and the icon? The Winchesters approve of you, Meghan. What is it they don't approve of? The adoptive!Wincest that keeps writing itself in my head.

By the way, that comment will go right over the heads of everyone else. It's a really funny story, though, if you'd like to ask.

wildhope @ 2008-06-22T23:45:00

2008-06-23T03:46:03Z

I'm kind of ticked off right now. Details later.

Update, update!

2008-04-29T14:55:59Z

Wow, I just had the best sleep I've had in a while. For the past week or so I've been waking up every few hours, but this time I slept straight through the night. THE NIGHT! As in I didn't do the vampire thing I usually do. I have seen the sun and it is bright! ~~I wonder if I'll catch fire when I go out.~~

In addition to the last RP I mentioned, I also joined Angel Grove, a pan-fandom RP set in the Power Rangers universe, post-Zordon. I grabbed up Chloe Sullivan, because it's so hard to find an RP without her. I also have Kira Ford, who I love. She's a little reminiscent of Kimberly from the first few seasons, which I guess is the reason for the fanon of them being related, but she's still very much her own character. She's anything but a valley girl, except for this one time with a meteor rock (ZING!), but I think they have the same kind of spirit.

Anyway, if there's a character you like who seems to be always taken, think about joining Angel Grove. Yes, I know, Power Rangers, but I doubt it's going to be at all like the shows.

I've found that I really like roleplaying and writing Lana. Yes, I know, "Lanaughgrrbarf," but I really do. And everybody has told me how much they like my Lana. Actually, they like my interpretation of all my characters. I think other than the comments about Lana, the best compliment I've had is how much they like my Clark, and "it's so hard to find a good one!"

Anyway, speaking of Lana, I have some writing to work on. Comment at will.

wildhope @ 2008-04-25T15:16:00

2008-04-25T19:16:56Z

Okay, let's assess my day so far.

Cable internet is back. This is good.

It's hot. This is bad.

I can't find a version of Sleeper that will load. I'm unsure if that's good or bad.

You might have seen Cruise Olympus RP in sv_ledger. I joined there. I play Lana and Clark, along with Kira Ford from Power Rangers Dino Thunder and an original character I adpated to fit Smallville. This is madness.

Overall...I'd say if I get rid of this headache, I'll be a decent day.

dailup ahoy

2008-04-23T19:37:39Z

Well apparently my brother didn't pay the cable bill. That or the cable people screwed up. Anyway, I'm using the dialup connection right now to let everyone know that...well...the obvious. Dialup is very slow and I probably won't be around very much, at least not for a few days. At least I think only for a few days. My brother gets paid Friday so I'm expecting the bill to be paid then. But hey, at least this will give me time to get some writing done.

I might be on im later tonight, I might not. If I'm not, you know why.

fear

2008-04-22T11:27:41Z

Star Wars Episode I was on TV recently. Actually, I think it's been playing a lot lately. Anyway, Yoda always has a way of stepping on my toes. The next best thing to the Bible he is.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

I'm afraid of most everything, and lately, afraid of church. I don't know what it is. I used to love it. What made me so afraid? I don't want the anger part to come, and if hate ever comes into the equation? Then I'm totally going to Hell.

Dear Jesus, help me release this fear before it snowballs into something neither of us want.

wildhope @ 2008-04-18T01:29:00

2008-04-18T05:29:22Z

I meant to go out today, but I didn't. I think I've developed some kind of phobia, though I'm not sure what it is. Fear of leaving the house? That can't be it, because I go grocery shopping every week. Maybe it's a fear of the unknown. Whatever it is...I suck.

Today I had a food free-for-all. No logging anything. I ate a Hot Pocket and a corn dog today, with ketchup and mustard. Only thing is now I feel a little bloated. No, I don't think I overdid it on the calories considering I've had the bare minimum the past few days (and without being hungry too), but I still feel like crap. Still, I think if I didn't let go and have the good stuff every once in a while I'd cave and really overdo it.

updating

2008-04-17T10:08:09Z

Well, isn't that just how I like my peas: frozen into large clumps of greeness.

Yes, ignore my random beef with my veggies, pun totally intended.

I really wish I was better in the illustration department. I have this nifty idea for an original story, one that I would only do for fun and wouldn't try to sell. The only thing is it involves anthropomorphic animals, also known as bipedal animals or furries, so pictures of actors and actresses don't do it for graphics. I got the idea months ago after watching Chicken Little. In fact, I'm watching it again now, trying to get a handle on what I'd orginally invisioned. Anyway, I think I've come up with the character would would be at the center, but I'm trying to think of what kind of look a site could have without me being able to draw something of relation. It stumps me.

I deleted all my fanfiction challege communities on LJ, with the exception of the ones I mod. I'm not doing that on IJ because I have very little problems from IJers. I question if I should finish The Reefside Diaries. I probably will, because there are a few people interested, but I'll probably only post it under flock.

Blah blah, yap yap, dribble dribble dribble. Goodnight.

odd random stuff

2008-04-12T23:03:30Z

I have the hiccups.

The skin under my purity ring is itching. I wonder if it means anything. I can just hear Him now... "I'm God, not a magician! Get out and meet people!" Becuase sometimes, He likes to talk like Leonard McCoy, along with just about any other character I know. It's probably just some random itching, though.

I haven't been writing much, but maaking icons instead. Whenever inspiration dries up I usually switch words for images. It usually seems to work. Of course, sometimes I just play Kingdom Hearts II or some other game. Not that I have all that many games. The only other game I have is Budokai 3, and then whatever Nintendo games my brothers have, but that's only when they've brought the GameCube. I want a Wii so badly it's not funny.

I just got the first Superman movie from Netflix. I love them so much. I just wish I could afford to rent more movies at once.

R.I.P Charlton Heston

2008-04-07T18:23:55Z

I just heard that Charlton Heston died this weekend. It kind of makes me sad. He just had one of those really strong voiced and did such great work, on screen and off. He will be missed by many, myself included.

Moses must have talked to him about his portrayal in The Ten Commandments by now. I wonder what he said...

original story time...well, not quite yet

2008-04-07T06:50:24Z

So I mentioned circulartime @ LJ had inspired me to start working on a totally original story, so I have been. Most of the elements I had figured out a long time ago, but some have changed. For instance, I roleplay a lot with ferretgirl_1124 @ LJ a lot and one of her characters (Alex) begged me not to have my character (Nendyé) involved romantically. Yes, I said the character begged me. We're weird like that. Alex and Nen are kind of...married with children. Yeah, only in roleplay world, but Alex was like "Asdfjkl;&@!" so I tweeked the story. Anway, here's a graphic that gives a preview. It's large, so be warned.

The Forbidden City of Mérys

Starring: Hayden Panettiere as Nendyé Trytan and Anne Hathaway as Karyé Valerys

omg!

2008-04-06T02:42:37Z

*gasp* A post not about Smallville? Who knew I could do it?

I tried dying hair a darker version of my natural brown. Thing is, it turned out more black than brown. I'm sure if my mother sees it she'll make some kind of smart-aleck remark about me looking just like her now. My only solace is I have Terri Hatcher hair, circa Lois & Clark.

What? It's not Smallville.

troubles in the played-by department

2008-04-05T19:37:14Z

circulartime @ LJ has been writing this amazing original story called Guardian and I decided since the fanficing hasn't been going well for me I might try to actually work with the ideas I have for originals. Thing is I, like her, like to have some visual representation. She has Kristin Kreuk and Jared Padalecki...and I got nothin'.

What I'm looking for is a teen girl, wavy blonde with an innocent look. I have yet to come up with a look for lead male of the series, but he will need to be a little older, in his twenties, I guess. He will be noble, playful and generous, but an outcast in their society. Think smaller than the heroic Superman build but not scrawny, say...a dancer kind of body. I thought maybe Zac Efron, but if you have other suggestions, I'll take them. There will now be two female leads. I will probably use Allison Mack for a visual, but that remains to be seen.

Every girl has her time, take two, part three.

2008-04-03T16:11:59Z

Continuing from here and here.

Oliver & Chloe: I would have favored this over Oliver and Lois as well as Jimmy and Chloe. I feel they have great chemistry, better than they had in their previously mentioned relationships. It would have been nice to see something develop, especially considering how jealous Bart (and maybe Clark) would be.

Bart & Chloe: I thought while I was on Bart I would mention this little thing. It's obvious he has a crush on her and who couldn't be reeled in by that charm? I think they'd be a really fun couple.

Pete & Chloe: Can we just say Chloe goes great with a variety of people? Pete and Chloe have a good bit of history as friends and I think could have been more if the timing was right. I think he really loves her and she could probably feel the same if it weren't for Clark.

Pete & Lana: I'm not as excited about this one as the others, especially since Lana's character has changed so much since the beginning. I think they could have developed into something if you wrote it right, though. It wouldn't last as I'm sure she'd probably cheat on him with Lex, but...okay, now I'm being biased. Or maybe my brain is on autopilot and coming up with a story.

Jimmy & Isobel: Now we're getting into my crack ships. I like this one mainly because I like the name I cam up with for them: Jisobel. That and I could see her using him for her own purposes, as he is mostly sweet innocent (we've seen more of the not so innocent side as of late, but still).

Lionel & Lana: I hope I wasn't the only one who thought they might be working together on some sort of evil plan, or at least a plan against Lex. I can see the headline now: Billionaire Slays Father Over Ex-Wife.

There may be one more post of this kind, but this is all for now.

Every girl has her time, take two, part two.

2008-04-03T02:29:50Z

And now the continuation of this post.

Jonathan & Martha: I, personally, think this is the ship of Smallville, even though Jonathan's been dead for a while now. Even with the obvious problems they had, I think anyone would want the kind of relationship they had. Even when they were fighting, you always knew they would stick together, because they were as solid as Jonathan was stubborn. The bond they have reminds me a lot of the bond Clark and Chloe have on the show now.

Lionel & Martha: Yes, this is a little weird, but I do kinda like them together. It's one of those things I'm torn about. I think it's that the old scoundrel is attracted to someone as noble as Martha that gets to me. It's kind of sweet in a way.

Lex & Kara: I think I like this for the same reasons I like Lionel and Martha.

Clark & Raya: I have to admit it here: Raya is the kind of woman I would want to be, so liking them together could be a sort of wish-fulfillment thing. However it is very clear that she was very loyal to Clark, even dying for him. If she was still alive she would be pointing Clark toward his destiny, most likely by his side.

Lex & Chloe: I'll go ahead and admit my curiosity for this is anchored in the Chlois theory. It seems like everywhere I've looked, Lex has a thing for Lois. Maybe he could have a thing for Chloe.

Lex & Lois: Ditto from the previous I guess, though I'm less interested in this than in Lex and Chloe. I just think this version of Lois is too different for me to like for more than office gossip.

Jimmy & Lois: Not something I'd like when it comes to the Superman norm (ew), but for Smallville I could totally support it. In fact, I'm planning to write a fic for them as I type. It will be fantastico.

TO BE CONTINUED...