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Dear body,

Stop hating me. I don't have the money to treat you better, but if you'd like me to, you have to cooperate with me first!

Sincerely,
Me

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Anyway, I'm not feeling so good right now. No, I'm not sick, it's just I have to push myself to even get out of bed. I've been feeling really tired and sort of down the past few days. I don't like it. I'm sick of this.

So, yes. Fighting against myself, it seems. I've at least managed going out in public this month so that's good. Going to try again sometime this week. I want to go bit by bit until I get comfortable with it, then maybe take the next step and start attending church again. I'd like to be going at least one Sunday or Wednesday a month by December.

Leave encouragement. God knows I need it.

I've been having trouble writing lately, so out of the blue I decided that maybe instead of fiction, I should go back to poetry. It is, after all, how I started writing. Then I decided to look back over some of my old stuff, and wow. I wrote my last poem a week short of three years ago. That's amazing, and a little sad to me. It's something I should start doing again.

I did find one piece that stood out to me, written November 10, 2004. It both lifts me up and breaks me in two.



If you think that's about some random guy I had a crush on back then, it's not. I wrote that about my God, and I'd give anything to be in that mindset again.

Updating, because I should start doing more of that. Consider it a baby step to getting on with my life.

( To save you the drama if you'd rather avoid it. )

I live. Sort of.

RP kills me.

I have too many versions of Lana Lang in my head and nowhere to play them. Everyone wants the canon ones. I say the AUs are where the fun is.

And I don't want a really dark game, but it seems like those are a dime a dozen. Dark would really drag me down right now.

I guess I just need something different. The problem is I don't know what kind of different.

I fixed my journal up with a nice banner! Not to mention I finally figured out how to remove that white border that was around everything. It's all nice now!

Oh, and I created this crazy thing called maniacallaugher. Think roleplaying with no rules...only it's not open to everyone. I'd kinda like to only have players I've done stuff with before. Kind of a comfortable place where we can all go insane and have no rules or restrictions.

I never realized I have so many Lana Lang muses in my head.

I feel like I'm dying. It's just a cough and I'm exaggerating, but I'd really like to stop now. Thing is, I know it's just that my body's trying to get the freakin' mucus out of my lungs, but it's getting stuck somewhere and I can't spit it out or blow it out my nose. Yeah, I know, gross, so did not need to know that. Yeah, well, you do.

In other news, I went to church last week. Not this week because I'm so much more sick now and kind of overslept, but last Sunday night was one of the best nights I've had in a while. It started with me crying on the floor and ended with me walking out the door with my head held high and a smile on my face. That's a long story for tomorrow when I'm not extremely tired but still up because my cough is keeping me awake.

This coming Sunday, I will be going to church no matter how my health is, though I hope it's better by then. I don't want to cough all over everybody.

Oh, and I got this cute little nightgown with Tinkerbell on it. I feel all girly and ridiculous, but I love this thing.

I was nudged (on LJ, though I am also updating my IJ at the same time; yay technology), so I'm updating.

There really isn't much to say. This past year has been really hard for me. I've barely left the house. I guess my parents splitting up has been harder on me than I thought. At first I was glad my mom moved out, but now...I realize I've almost locked myself in the house since she left. I don't know what's up with that. I try to go out sometimes...but then I don't. Just for groceries.

Thank you to those of you who've been praying for me. I know there's at least one. How you knew what to pray for I can only explain by supernatural means.

Mainly I've been roleplaying. I learn a lot from my characters, especially Kira Ford, but I can't seem to apply any of it. I can only ask for more prayer.

I'm lost. I want to be found again.

Edit: Oh, and I'm voting for Tommy Oliver this year. Yes you read that right.